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Take a look at our Current Product Lineup™

Robotic Webmaster™

Picture from Wikimedia Commons Tired of designing your own web pages? Tired of paying thousands of dollars to a Computer Nerd™ who should really be groveling at your feet in public areas for no particular reason, to design mediocre web pages that are coded in such complex HTML, using Java and JavaScript and CGI and whatnot else just so that Computer Nerd™ can show you who's boss, when he really isn't and you know it because you're better than he is and have almost as high a salary, that you have to keep him on payroll as a consultant for the rest of your life, just to make sure your computer doesn't explode in a burst of flame on January seventeenth, while you're hiding unaware in a closet? (grammar klorbs: try diagramming that sentence!) Well look no further! Using the latest in Robotic Technology™, Zioth Incorporated Limited Industries and Affiliates™ ® has designed the Robotic Webmaster™. He can do anything a Modern Robot™ can do! Just sit him down in front of your computer, and within minutes, your computer will be incorporated into a Miscellaneous Automobile™ that doesn't work! Just think! You'll never have to hire a Computer Nerd™ again! Available in twelve ton and thirty-six ton varieties, in a color of your choice which must be blue.

Tube Thing™

Picture from Wikimedia Commons It's hollow on the inside, but hard and metallic on the outside! How do they do it? We don't know! These metal tubes have nothing on the inside. They are completely empty! The Tube Thing™ has no hidden supports to keep it looking hollow, no cleverly-colored illusion to fool you into thinking it's hollow, nothing but a round, empty space. Best of all, it's guaranteed hollow for life! How can we afford to make an offer like that? Because we're almost certain that we'll be out of business before then! Available in dozens of shapes, sizes and colors! Buy a gross and you're bound to get the one you want!

Pet Sand™

Picture from Wikimedia Commons Made to appeal to the Newer and Smaller Generation™ of nonliving-pet-collectors (that is, collectors of nonliving pets. We charge double to nonliving customers). You thought the Pet Rock was fun? You've got to try Pet Sand!™ It won't refuse to sift through your fingers like other nonliving pets, and it won't run away and leave you crying alone in your room, wishing with all your heart and all your soul that you could have had your pet for just one more minute, to tell it how you really felt, and if you had, you would have loved it and cared for it until the end of your days or its (warning: in extreme cases of abusive sympathy, Pet Sand™ has been known to run away). Comes with a Verified Certificate of Authenticity,™ so you know for sure your Pet Sand™ came from a real beach!

One-Strike Matches™

Picture from Wikimedia Commons These matches light in a single strike! Throw away your one-switch lighter and single-ignition blowtorch, because these handy 'match-sticks' are the wave of the future! Lighter than a bar of soap, these miracles of technology will fit in your pocket! Available in hemp-tied packs of three or six. Strike surface sold separately.

Cheese Sandwich™

Picture from mamas_southern_cooking.com We won't tell you the Secret Recipe™ for these tasty morsels, but let's just say they're More Than Bread™! A perfect gift for your out-of-the-house-and-into-the-car friends, who just don't have time to lather some sweet, slimy substance onto a piece of bread and call it toast! Remember, with Cheese Sandwich™, it's More Than Bread™.

All-Natural Artificial Artificial Sugar™

Picture from unknown source Tired of all those other artificial sugar substitutes? We thought so, which is why we came up with our All-Natural Artificial Artificial Sugar™. It has 100% of the nutrition, and 100% of the sweetness of Real Sugar™. It even has the same chemical formula! And best of all, it's all natural. It contains no animal or human products, obscurely-named chemicals or harmful antibiotics; just 100% All-Natural Artificial Sugar Substitute™. Available in 1/4oz PaperPackets™ only.

New in 2016!™

Ten Thousand Eggs™

Ever wish you had more eggs? Now you can! With Ten Thousand Eggs™, you’ll have upwards of a thousand eggs to roll, stack and show off to your friends! Forget competing products like One Dozen Eggs and Praying Mantis Egg Sack. With Ten Thousand Eggs™, you will literally never run out of eggs until every one of them is gone! Join [00000] other satisfied customers in the quest for more eggs! Now available on mobile devices.

Eat ‘Ems Edible Food Products™

With over one hundred million food products to choose from, you can’t possibly go wrong. Each edible food product you receive is hand-selected by a state-of-the-art algorithm to optimize our shipping and storage needs, here at Zioth Incorporated Limited Industries and Affiliates™. With Eat Ems Edible Food Products™, you can be sure to get a food product which is not only edible, but contains some sort of nutrition.

Zero-Emissions Wireless Handheld Device™

Here at Zioth Incorporated Limited Industries and Affiliates™, we care about the environment. And that's why, for 2016, we have entered into the modern age! Our Zero-Emissions Wireless Handheld Device™ is pen-activated, has a flexible, foldable, paper-thin screen, and never has to be recharged! You read that right. The device comes ready-to-use, and you will never have to plug it in to anything! Our Zero-Emissions Wireless Handheld Device™ is made from renewable materials, and is fully recyclable! The large, 8.5“ by 11” screen goes beyond retina. The resolution is so high that you'd need the world's most powerful microscope to see the pixels! So throw away your iPans, Androgynouses and Kindlings, and pick up a brand new two hundred pack of Zero-Emissions Wireless Handheld Devices!™

Coming Soon™

Deluxe Assorted Creams and Ointments™. Pre order now for the summer of 2029!